Another Dick In the Wall

Remember the terrible fear of the Cold War? Can you remember the hideous fear of sudden annihilation from the sky? We knew we were the good guys. Western Europe and the United States of America were obviously on the side of right. Sure, we had a ton of nukes pointed at everyone and their grandmother but we had the symbolism on our side. Those wacky Commies built a wall, you see. We stood for freedom and they stood for oppression and anyone who was willing to look at the pictures or listen to the speeches knew this because they had a wall. They were so afraid of justice and freedom and unrestricted travel that they had to stack bricks and concrete and top it off with razor wire and spikes like some hideous sundae of oppression because they were wrong.

The Iron Curtain was its name and while it was only a symbol to people in the ‘free world’ it was a powerful symbol. Folks who were right needed no walls and folks who were wrong needed walls. Prisons have walls, the Eastern Bloc had walls ergo they were obviously ninnies and bad guys and sported an inferior political system and probably were late for meetings and farted in elevators and all those other terrible wall builder type of behaviors. Our lack of wall building showed that we were apple pie makers who all mowed grass for old ladies and didn’t accept payment. IT was the exact opposite of might makes right. Our rightness is what gave us might. And we won, dammit. 1991, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” And Gorbachev ran right out to the middle of Germany and pounded the wall down, wiping the sweat and port wine stain right off his big forehead. No walls equals we win.

Fast forward. Early twenty-first century and what have we done with our winnings? Well, our allies in Israel are building some walls. Walls between them and those nasty people who made the terrible mistake of never leaving the Middle East and by virtue of building homes, occupying the land for several centuries straight and tending their orchards somehow came to believe that the land actually belonged to them. Somehow, when they got violent about their homes and lands being taken from them this was seen as very unneighborly and they now deserve to be attacked and killed for throwing rocks at tanks. That’ll teach them. Lord knows that over here in the land of the free you aren’t allowed to shoot at trespassers and thieves, right?

Now, we are in Iraq. Some folks there don’t get along. Sunni and Shia mix like oil and water it seems and a strong arm was keeping them apart. Now, do not misunderstand me. I am not defending the principles of the now dead Mr. Hussein. But let us please be honest about the blame for the Middle Eastern situation. Much of it lies at the feet of whatever bastard in England was allowed to goof all over the map of the Fertile Crescent like a drunken Parkinson’s victim with his own particular crayon of randomness. So how are we fixing it? Tanks and walls. That is right. Drawing artificial lines didn’t teach these people to do what we want when we want so we built a three mile long wall between some Sunni and Shia and there hasn’t been any violence in Iraq since. Wow, we rock!

These stunning successes have taught a valuable lesson. Walls are not just about politics, they work great for controlling brown people. Thus, we are attempting to build a 1,500 mile long wall along our border with Mexico. A few Republican congressmen have actually suggested a wall around Daytona Beach to keep anyone who gets too tan from returning. That is right. A 1,500 mile wall. Now, we know for a fact that no one ever escaped the Eastern Bloc, Palestinians are no longer threatening those fragile Israeli tanks with their nasty slings and rocks (those bullies!) and Iraq has been completely pacified so this wall will, of course, work.

Now, there are already enough tunnels going under the border to provide every stoner west of the Mississippi with enough Mexican Brown Dirt Dope to get through the year. Any moron with a canoe can ease themselves out into the Gulf of Mexico (We need to rename that while we are at it, right? Gulf of Texas has a nice ring!) and land on a Texas beach, assuming people go to Texas voluntarily. And those funky Wright Brothers let their plans get out and it is my understanding that airplanes are actually used down there. But a wall, well, a wall will stop them for sure. Because walls represent freedom, right?